Proudly Geekly

Tuesday, June 28, 2005

Ever since I was nine or ten years old, I've had this obession with being "Normal." See, I suffer from a very mild case of asperger's syndrome. Essentially this has made me socially awkward, clumsy, and I've had trouble identifying body language and unspoken social boundaries.

But when I was eight, my mom spoke to me and we both agreed there were six problems that I had to work on. To be honest, neither of us remember exactly what these six things were, but I assume one of them had to do with my odd preservations on topics most people found boring, such as modems and street maps.

I did quite well at improving my social awarness, but at first this had negative reprocussions. By the fourth grade, I was aware that people disliked me and that some hated me, but I didn't really understand why. Before I had been unable to understand their behaviors but I now understood some of the harsh nonverbal messages that others had been sending my way.

However, by the summer before fifth grade, when the people who had remembered me from before weren't there as much, I was able to make some new friends on a clean slate at summer school. Every year after that, I always liked meeting new people, because they got to know the "normal" me without the rumors and reputation that I had developed through erratic and immature behaviors in the years before.

From about ten on, I was obsessed with normality, but it was an elusive concept. At first, I thought someone normal didn't cry and listened to popular music and had friends. I used to cry at any provocation, but by the fifth grade I decided to start swearing instead of bursting into tears, thinking that it would make me more normal and more of a "man."

Later on, throughout highschool and even early on in college, I was obsessed with dating and sex and girls in general. I thought that everyone was happily dating or at least had several friends with benefits and I was alone in my complete lack of sexual experiences. I thought that at the age of sixteen, since I had never had a girlfriend or even been on a date, that I was hopeless and would be alone. A year before that, I tried desperately to serenade girls by walking around playing my electric guitar with a distorted practice amp with far too much hair gel on my head. I wanted to be hot. I had to be the guy that every girl desired and lusted for.

But it never worked or came even close to success. I am sure that these girls were out of my league, and it was quite likely they could sense my lack of confidence and the fact that I was putting on a desperate and pathetic front to attempt to seduce them.

I also HAD to have my license. And a job. Because every normal guy had a license, a job, a car, and a girlfriend. At sixteen I felt I had to be in a minorty because I had none of these things.

And I didn't get my drivers license until I was 19, but this was probably for the best, because I was past the rebellious phase that teenagers get into where they do stupid things involving speed limits and safety belts. You know, the whole "It's a law so therefore I must break it even if it kills me" mentality. People who think like that are winning Darwin Awards.

But anyway, I've come to accept that I'm not normal. I'm unique. I'm more intelligent than most. Nicer. Better looking as well I like to claim. I am awkward, arrogant and insecure at the same time... and I'm fine with it. But it's really confusing, because I have all of the ingredients that I thought made one normal.. A car, a girlfriend, and a nice job.

And I love all three. The girlfriend first, the job second, the car a distant third.

However it's POS 86 Nova, so I want to replace it.

1 Comments:

  • very cool post, Jesse. You should do more!

    By Blogger Wren, at 12:44 PM  

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