Proudly Geekly

Monday, October 19, 2009

It's hard to just up and write in this thing because it isn't really that coherent. Most of what I've said in the past still applies today, though there is one tale that I didn't really recollect in my ramblings back in 2005. I suppose I was happy enough that I didn't need to rely to these thoughts. At that point, I had a girlfriend that I was in love with. And since this event was girl-related, I had no reason to think about it. Of course, I've thought about it far too much over the past year, probably more than I did in the six years prior.

This story begins some evening (I think it was an evening, at least) in November 2001. I was pursuing my favorite website,, and saw a new girl there named Pandapooky. She made funny comments on the thread, and based on her avatar, she was really attractive. So I attempted to strike up a conversation with her. Well, attempted is the wrong word to use, since it was in the past, and the attempt did succeed. We began talking on AIM about a variety of subjects, and I developed a "puppy love" crush on her, even though she was five and a half years older than me.

She told me about her twin sister Hannah, and then a couple months later Hannah IMed me on her own screen name and within minutes informed me that she lived in the San Francisco Bay Area like I did, and within months (or weeks?) of that admission she suggested that we meet. That marked the third time in two years that local internet girls asked me out, and the second time that I was interested. The first was an overweight girl who was 20 when I was 15, so that made me a little uncomfortable, though I admit if she were more attractive, I might have gone for it.

The second girl was named Stephanie (though she went by Steph) and we talked pretty often. We both liked video games and fantasy stories, but she began to get a little strange, saying she'd go to my Winter Formal with me even though she had a boyfriend at the time.

And Hannah, being the third, was the most promising. Even though the age differential (or so I thought) was a whopping five and a half years, I was interested. But still, I chickened out and told her she lived too far away, even though she was just an hour from me in San Ramon.

I regret that decision to this day, even though I've come to realize a different path probably wouldn't have made much of a difference in the way my life turned out. It would have been an awkward date (or two, if I were lucky) and more drama than it was worth.

We talked nightly for four or five months, and then several times a week for the next few months, and then just occasionally until late April 2003, when I emailed her asking if she was really Pandapooky/Amanda's twin sister. She finally admitted she wasn't, and after I said she kept changing her story in the next email I sent, she insisted she did not, and I stopped replying after that, even though part of me wanted to talk to her more. She said she "didn't care about the internet anymore" which I took as "I don't care about you" but she may not have meant it that way.

The thing with the "Twin sisters" wasn't that big of a deal... but I hated being lied to, and any time I brought it up she got defensive, which was really frustrating. I didn't care that much about her looks, because it was her personality I was in love with, though the idea that a girl that looked like THAT would ask a guy like me out astounded me.

I would think about her pretty often over the next year or so, and often wonder whether I should continue talking to her.

In September 2004, I was hospitalized (psych ward) for a psychotic reaction to prednisone, a medication I was taking at the time for a flare of ulcerative colitis. It was a weird experience to start with and to make it even odder, I actually saw Pandapooky there, and she talked to me. Whenever I looked at her, she looked away, as though she felt everything that had happened to me was her fault when it wasn't, though it probably was a little... however I didn't (and still don't) blame her. LedZepGrl (Hannah) was there as well, though I didn't know what she looked like at the time.

I remembered LedZepGrl, Pandapooky, and some other girl talking about me to my mom. Pandapooky made up some story about them following me around driving for an hour and not meeting because I "walked weird." Of course, that never happened. I'm pretty sure she was lying to... I don't know why she'd say that. If it's true, it's creepy as hell, because I don't remember that, but I'm sure it's not.

I also remember the two girls explaining they were college roommates that both talked to me and sometimes pretended to be the other ones... this meant sometimes when I thought I was talking to Panda all those years back, it had been LedZep a lot of the time. That's what I've tried to figure out, and I think that is the case.

I also THINK I remember them stripping down to no clothes... but I'd like to believe (or not) that that was just something I thought I saw that never occurred, but knowing how weird and fucked up my life has been, I wouldn't be surprised if it were true or at least somewhat accurate.

I blocked out all those bizarre memories for years, but they came flooding back causing/due to/in conjuction with my "epic meltdown" last October/November.

I'm finally getting over them. Them. Three of them. I forgot to mention Hannah had a sister named Sasha pretending to be Hannah, or perhaps it was Hannah pretending to be Hannah. The girl I met in 2004 looks like a picture I saw of Sasha on her MySpace... so I think Sasha was the "main" one, but I have no idea.

Weird shit.

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